I don’t know about you, however as a small business owner, and as a mother, I often have the opportunity and the challenge to listen to those I’m leading. Sometimes I feel overly responsible for everyone else. I forget to put a healthy boundary around myself so I only filter in those things I am honestly and appropriately responsible for.
As a coach, I listen all day-long and that type of listening is different. So what I’m sharing here is a bullet-list that is more personal than professional in content. I use this when I’m trying to better manage relationships at home and at work. I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.
Ground Rules for Exercising the Internal Listening Boundary
List adapted from Pia Mellody’s book The Intimacy Factor
1. Set an external physical boundary in order to be more comfortable as you listen (sometimes I put a notebook in front of my stomach or I remain at my desk as needed).
2. Remind yourself not to take the blame.
3. Remind yourself of the emotions you experience as you listen, have to be regulated by breath work so that they do not become too powerful and radiate toxically into the air.
4. Remind yourself you are listening to find out who the other person is and not to formulate a defense.
5. Part of your job is to protect yourself as you listen by determining if what is being said is “true”, “not true’ or “questionable”.
6. If what you are hearing is “true” allow yourself to feel emotion about this truth.
7. If what you’re hearing is “not true to your experience” detach from this feeling the emotions from what is being said, and see it only as the other person’s feelings or “truth” in that moment.
8. If what you are hearing is “questionable,” listen to hear the other person out and then when they are finished, ask for more information (as needed) in four sentences or less, without complaining, blaming or explaining why you need the data. This will help the other person to listen to you better as well.
9. If negotiating is necessary, start the process.
About the Author: Lyn Christian is the founder of SoulSalt, Inc., a coaching and coach training company. She is passionate about the “free-agent” worker who wants to earn their living and live their lives by doing what inspires them. Get more information by visiting www.soulsalt.com or contact Lyn directly through lyn@thecoachtoolkit.com.
